Sunday, August 21, 2011

My First Post In Five Years

I've decided to blog (occasionally) again. I am making this announcement as if it's 'the news you've been waiting for', but really, who gives a shit? I cannot believe it's been almost five years since my last post. In that time, I've written two books and am failing miserably at writing a half-hour comedy show. I think I'm a fairly good judge of what's funny, and I really love the stuff I've written. The fact it's been met with the same enthusiasm Hitler showed when eating matzoh ball soup is fiercely depressing. I am caught between a self-loathing that is almost unbearable and a determination to see it succeed just to cram it up the ass of every dumbbell who didn't help me with it.

I'm in Salt Lake City Utah, heading for the airport shortly. As I am writing, the phone just rang and it was Club Soda Kenny wishing me a good morning in his typical sing-song, funeral director cadence. I love Kenny, but his phone voice reminds me of the feeling I had 20 years ago while waiting for the ambulance after putting nitroglycerin under my grandmother's tongue. (The feeling I'm referring to is, of course, a painful erection).
I am realizing how much I missed writing. It was much easier to motivate myself to write when Opie & Anthony were off the air, because I didn't have the freedom of radio to just vomit out whatever was bothering me. I haven't had sex in months, and I've literally jerked off so much lately my cock has permanent grip marks on it. Luckily, I am hung horribly and there is only room for two unsightly finger-grooves.
I realize this particular entry had the entertainment value of perusing a tumor photo gallery, but be patient. They'll get better. Or, they'll get progressively worse, which could also be entertaining. Either way, I'm off to the airport. Hopefully I won't be killed on the way home. 

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Blogger RB said...

At first I wanted to attempt to do one of your characters in text form, but then realized that would be horrible, so I just wanted to say that I love your body. But not your face. It scares children and makes old people shit themselves.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Drew Ready said...

You're the man Jimmy. Keep 'em coming!

Andrew Ready-

9:33 AM  
Blogger Mikel Cates said...

U remind me so much of my kindergarten teacher!

9:38 AM  
Blogger Tim White said...

Good to see you blogging again Jimmy. Keep it up, and to help keep you in good spirits just remember those 3 magic words, " Big Meaty Pussy"!

9:41 AM  
Blogger stymiegreen said...

Glad to see you return to blogging. The blogosphere has missed you like old hens miss terminal cancer!

9:41 AM  
Blogger Dan Fischer said...

I read this blog while taking a shit and drinking coffee, it was the 3rd most entertaining shit I've ever taken. Keep up the good work sweetie pie ;)

9:43 AM  
Blogger duggie57 said...

Your self loathing gave me an erection! Thank god for screen protectors other wise I would smear the screen licking "the juice" off.

9:44 AM  
Blogger MrTimSmith said...

You should consider the occasional video blog and also if you can't get a show off the ground because people are too stupid to realize how good it is then maybe you should think about doing something online. Just do a low budget online show. Three or four episodes or something. Hell maybe you could team up with and get funding/promotion through them.

9:44 AM  
Blogger RyUySzH said...

dear stinky i hope your plane crashes and they find you with 4 finger up your ass and your lips around the pilots kidding keep up the good work!!!!

9:45 AM  
Blogger Alen said...

Alright, here's a message from a very genuine source. Why not check out that self actualization stuff that Ron Bennington is into? He may be able to recommend a book. You won't be self hating, you are going to get laid and you may start writing again without your attention being scattered. There's a book I read called "The Power of Now." It's a kind of book that while you read it, there will be words that connect with you on a deep level and you'll feel good feelings, enough to cause that change you seem to want. Personally, changed my life. It was like flipping the script. Everything good now.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Michael Simpson said...

I bet the post that is five years from this one is going to be REALLY awesome.

9:50 AM  
Blogger mrjmk said...

I had just about given up all hope that 'lil Jimmy would blog again..... Wish i would have scraped razors on my eyeballs instead of reading the ramblings of meaty breasted uncle fester look-a-like.

9:55 AM  
Blogger What_A_Buzz said...

Jimmy, Thanks for that fucking hilarious post. It made my day !

10:00 AM  
Blogger Dave webb said...

Nice job Jimmy. I am looking forward to more...and by more I mean painful erections.

10:06 AM  
Blogger rssvss said...

He's not funny, and i don't like him...

10:34 AM  
Blogger Still Going said...

Hi James, if you could please remember that you are a talentless hack, this whole 'I can't get a show' thing will come right into perspective. You never could close the deal anyways.
Signed lovingly,
Your bitter self loathing

Ps- glad your back

10:50 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back,welcome back.

11:56 AM  
Blogger xm14452 said...

Hello little Jimmy. If you think it's tough know wait till you turn 50! You only need two fingers and a popsicle stick too keep it up.
I Look forward to your next blog hang in there, we love ya.

12:32 PM  
Blogger powerwagonusa said...

Thank you for the great show last night. I hope you come back soon. Best wishes.

1:17 PM  
Blogger c0dyhi11 said...

You are a damn good writer. I'll be here to read them all.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Linkz said...

This will soon be the only place jim can talk after chip takes over his body completly.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Bearclaw Coffee - Britton, MI said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:22 PM  
Blogger jazzelwood said...

sooo you are single again! And some DICK is holding jimnorton(dot)com hostage.

6:24 PM  
Blogger NareD said...

Jimmy you jerk off so much, why haven't you invested in a fleshlight?

6:55 PM  
Blogger newfers said...

Who is this, and what did you do with Dear Abby?

7:00 PM  
Blogger JQ said...

He's back! And better than ever,

He's back! Thought he was gone forever.

He's back!...

Lol welcome back to blogging Jimmy,can't wait for the next one.

8:45 PM  
Blogger nodarkness said...

Welcome, Jim. You're among friends.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Liz Mansfield said...

you are a good (great) egg ; ) <3

9:30 PM  
Blogger R. Panic said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:51 PM  
Blogger JonBenet's Cunt said...

Just think, if you were hung betterER, you could do the tuck and run around singing "I'D FUCK ME!"

12:19 AM  
Blogger Jorge Garrido said...

Multi-camera or single-camera?

If you do single-camera, I hope it's on undisguised videotape instead of 35mm film. Nobody wants to watch comedy at 24 frames per second.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Itumeleng said...

Way to go,Jimmy!Dude,you've just made my day.No,scratch that,you've my made entire fucking month!Can't wait for your next blog.Keep 'em coming.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Mark said...


7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if mr. tim smith is the same tim smith I know, get ahold of yourself with career advice, you dead serious ass. if not, sorry I said that.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Apollyon said...

as much as you smash bloggers? In any case this should be interesting.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Apollyon said...

While I am completely 100% on your side, what the hell did you expect? The BIOGRAPHY channel to be run by non guilty politically incorrect white people? For the most part I think white guilt dies with your generation. Even as a comic you'd probably be shocked at most of the social situations I've been in or around.

6:49 PM  
Blogger joshrawdon said...

Hello Jimmy,
I really feel bad about how much you hate yourself, because you don't realize how goddamn funny you are and how much happiness you bring to people's lives every day. I know that sounds gay as can be, but I have been listening to you since I was in high school and I feel like you and O&A are part of my life. You deserve to make it in the business, and anyone who can't see it is a dickwad anyway. I know that those dickwads are the ones that make the calls and all that, but I think attitudes are starting to change. If Louie can say nigger ten times in an episode, there's hope for a Jim Nordin Show. Good luck buddy and keep pushing until you get what you want.

7:46 PM  
Blogger td9993 said...

Hey, man. I just wanted to say it was awesome meeting you at San Diego during the Con.
It was a real highlight. Tough Crowd made me get into Stand Up, albeit (auto correct on THAT one) for a short time because a drummer in a college band made more money than I was getting. I met a guy I really looked up to there once and he turned out to be a real turd, so it was especially cool that you weren't a dick. Anyway, keep it up and I'll keep reading your rants.

4:53 PM  
Blogger Kris Knight said...

Good to see you back. :)

3:53 PM  
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