My First Post In Five Years

I've decided to blog (occasionally) again. I am making this announcement as if it's 'the news you've been waiting for', but really, who gives a shit? I cannot believe it's been almost five years since my last post. In that time, I've written two books and am failing miserably at writing a half-hour comedy show. I think I'm a fairly good judge of what's funny, and I really love the stuff I've written. The fact it's been met with the same enthusiasm Hitler showed when eating matzoh ball soup is fiercely depressing. I am caught between a self-loathing that is almost unbearable and a determination to see it succeed just to cram it up the ass of every dumbbell who didn't help me with it.

I'm in Salt Lake City Utah, heading for the airport shortly. As I am writing, the phone just rang and it was Club Soda Kenny wishing me a good morning in his typical sing-song, funeral director cadence. I love Kenny, but his phone voice reminds me of the feeling I had 20 years ago while waiting for the ambulance after putting nitroglycerin under my grandmother's tongue. (The feeling I'm referring to is, of course, a painful erection).

I am realizing how much I missed writing. It was much easier to motivate myself to write when Opie & Anthony were off the air, because I didn't have the freedom of radio to just vomit out whatever was bothering me. I haven't had sex in months, and I've literally jerked off so much lately my cock has permanent grip marks on it. Luckily, I am hung horribly and there is only room for two unsightly finger-grooves.

I realize this particular entry had the entertainment value of perusing a tumor photo gallery, but be patient. They'll get better. Or, they'll get progressively worse, which could also be entertaining. Either way, I'm off to the airport. Hopefully I won't be killed on the way home.